i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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