Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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