am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
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