just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
We need to get me chipped asap
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
Randomize
