Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
