Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
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