Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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