its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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