Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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