Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
They are going to name an STD after you.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
