I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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