oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
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