Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
