Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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