I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
