Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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