Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
