I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
