also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
