I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
