I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
