He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I didnt say frisky time, just alone time, to chat, or watch a show, or stare into one anothers eyes, or souls, or asses, whatever you straight people do
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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