Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
