I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen
i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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