so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Randomize
