my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
i think i just lost a toe
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
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