remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
