why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
