Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
