My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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