Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
