Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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