please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
