Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
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