The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
