once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Randomize
