Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
