Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
