well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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