Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
