As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
