I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
