So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Randomize
