Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Randomize
