so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.