I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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