My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I love my bros weed
Im gonna hate it in like 20 mins though
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
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When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
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He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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