this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
