I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
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All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
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After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize