It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
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