he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
