I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
Randomize
