Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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