i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Randomize
