Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Are we still banned from the library?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Randomize
