yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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