god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
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