I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.