I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
