Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Where??
Against the wall. In corner. Only gave him head though don't worry
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize
