to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
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