I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
