when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
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I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
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On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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